3 Decisions To Change Your Dating Life, Forever
3 Decisions To Change Your Dating Life, Forever
My name is Hoi and thank you for reading my dating blog on iD8u - I Date You!
I am writing blogs based on my own male perspective and life journey. Women readers are welcome because it may give you insight about how some of us men think (and behave… badly sometimes but mostly good I hope!).
I used to be bad with women until the age of 30 when I made three decisions that changed everything, from dating success to living the life I want.
Up until then, I made all sorts of silly mistakes from being too nice, not being honest with my own feelings, investing money and chasing women who were never interested in me, and struggling to get past the first or second date or get put into the friendzone.
For this blog, I will share the turning point in my life that led to these 3 decisions that changed my dating life, forever. They are…
Try new things. Take ownership. Stop chasing women.
If you apply these three decisions, you too should be able to meet an endless amount of women and some will get attracted to you. If she interests you, just make sure you match her efforts.
So, let us begin!
(1) Try new things. Having spent most of my 20s working on average 100 hours a week and becoming worse than broke, no money after years of debt due to multiple failed businesses. I thought I could work hard in my 20s and semi-retire by my 30s. I guess that didn’t work out and time doesn’t wait for anyone, I wasn’t getting any younger, achieved nothing, and was an absolute mess; mentally, emotionally, and physically out of shape.
By the age of 28, this was the turning point where I really wanted to change and pull myself out of that suicidal darkness and deep depression. I can’t keep sitting here and continue feeling sorry for myself while festering all these negative thoughts. I guess when you hit rock bottom, it is true, the only way is up. So I decided it’s time to stop and figure out how to get out of this worthless state. This was the point when I started studying more books about how to change my life. The first and most impactful book which resonated with me and help kickstart this whole self-seeking journey was ‘A New Earth - by Eckhart Tolle*’ which helped reinforce the idea that I need to seize control of building the kind of lifestyle I want by taking action now. This book was recommended by my brother and I finished reading it in less than a week.
The first action was I got out the door and started running every day for 20 mins which helped me lose 3 stones (~19kg) within the first 3 months. I continued running every day for 2 years, not skipping a single day; in the rain, hail, or snow. This must have been my Forest Gump moment!
Meanwhile, I also started working on improving my diet by eating healthy and doing activities such as MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) and Bouldering as one of my main sporting activities. To fight this uphill battle, I had to be in the best condition possible; mentally and physically.
One of the biggest problems I had was that I didn’t actually know what kind of lifestyle I wanted to create for myself. However, using the book as a guide, I set out to figure out exactly what I want using the “power of now”. After some careful thoughts and considerations, I made this very important decision which was to try new things that were based on these four criteria:
Do things I dreamed of doing when I was a child. I.e. learn to partner dance. Do things I am afraid of. I.e learned to rock climb because I was afraid of heights. Do things I wasn’t good at. I.e Blogging because my English was bad. Do things I didn’t like for no good reason. I.e reading or listening to at least 12 (e)books a year.
Using the above criteria, I made myself a bucket list that had over 100+ items to tick off… and I am still working through it! I don’t think I will ever finish doing everything on my bucket list in this lifetime because the list keeps growing, but it’s worth a shot!
You probably read a ton of books about “self-development” and “growing”. My advice is: It’s not always about improving, you don’t need to keep putting such pressure on yourself. To be clear, experiencing something new can be wonderful even if you don’t grow from it, just remember to enjoy it! Growing and self-development is just a bonus that comes along with trying new things. The main thing is, just have fun and be passionate about what you do! The energy, vibe, and aura you give off when you truly enjoy something, will emanate and attract people around you.
For the next 3 years, I went on to many classes & courses and invested everything I had on my bucket list that are within my budget and which are easily accessible. I gave myself a general rule of thumb to try, really really try, for at least 3 months before deciding whether I want to continue with it for another 3 months and review or if I didn’t like it and stop completely.
This new approach was developed because I used to try things once or twice and not like it, and it isn’t a good approach because I realised that we’re so used to giving up on things too easily with the excuse we’re “not good at it” or say “we don’t like it”. I realised that it’s a piss poor reason and lazy way of thinking. We generally don’t like things we’re not good at because to like something takes too much effort to get to a level of comfort and proficiency. Learning how to be good at something requires time, patience, effort, and investment, but ultimately, you will reap the reward that you sow.
From a dating perspective, trying all these new things out helped develop my character and taught me irreplaceable skills in how to interact with different women and men. When you try new things, there are always opportunities to meet people. I also learned more about myself; it became clear what I want and also what I don’t want. I discovered new passions and hobbies, honed new skills, opened my mind to possibilities, and much much more.
Even to this day at age 38 (at the time of writing this blog), I still try many new things out. I recently picked up fishing skills, started bouldering again, and am also planning a bushcraft canoeing expedition in Scotland. However, I know what I want now, so I tend to focus the majority of the time on things I found passion in, such as Brazilian Zouk and building projects that can help people.
I learned that I could sit here moaning about not getting what I want, or I can go and get what I want even if it’s not going to be easy. It really is a simple choice! You’re probably wondering how trying new things will actually benefit your dating life? Well, it helped strengthen my character, mindset, and prepared me for the next two decisions.
(2) Take ownership. You will probably struggle with ‘(1) Try new things’ if you do not embrace and prepare to take ownership. It took me a couple of years to fully adjust but now it has become so natural to take ownership and I love it!
The tipping point to making this key decision was after wasting decades of not doing the things I’ve always wanted because the friends or women I dated or chased weren’t into the same interests. No matter how hard I tried to convince and persuade others, it just rarely worked, and if it did, it cost a huge amount of effort.
I had confidence issues, I was scared of doing things alone, I was afraid of what others would think of me as a weirdo here with no friends. I wasn’t good with meeting strangers, I wouldn’t even know how to start a conversation or what to do with awkward silences. At the age of 21, I would still get my best friend to help call up ordering takeaways because I was scared to talk to strangers!
All the way up to the age of 28, all I did was block myself (self-sabotage) and never did nearly enough of what I’ve always wanted to do or dreamed of doing. I kept staying within my comfort zone and it started to feel like my life was being led by others’ decisions.
Enough was enough. The decision to take ownership began with built-up frustration and the final thoughts of “fuck it, I’m doing it”.
My old approach was to ask others if they want to do something, but never do it if I couldn’t find someone to do it with.
My new approach is, I’m doing this and have booked or planned it, you can come to join me if you want, see you there if you do come.
Can you see the difference between the old and new approaches? The new approach took direct ownership of what I wanted. It didn’t matter what others think or decide, the decision to go was already made before asking others. Asking others to tag along became more of a courtesy to be inclusive and not a requirement. Zero dependencies meant I am getting more of what I want to be done in a shorter amount of time!
The first few times were the most anxious and scary, but very quickly realised all the things I was afraid of doing alone soon dissipated when doing it. Gone. Kaput! You meet more people who have similar passionate interests and avoid getting stuck in the comfort zone of your small circle of friends.
It’s unbelievable the amount of time and energy I’ve saved. The last 10 years have been filled with planning for myself, heading out on a trip alone, hopping on a plane, and just going. This is where the real adventures began and met tons of people along the way!
One mindset that helped me take ownership was setting my own expectations about relationships. I had made peace with myself that my life will be great being alone and if I meet someone, that’s equally great too. My life and happiness will not depend on others. I learned to love being alone, doing things alone, and going about things all alone. My life is going to be great even if I am alone! Yes, indeed it is… Even when I am in a relationship, this mindset remains active and stays true.
So that was my fast-forward story version of how I took ownership of my life and relationships.
I’m going to tell you a big secret. This new approach is a great indicator tool to gauge how much a person is interested in you (this doesn’t necessarily mean they like or love you, it just means they are willing to invest money and time in you). I often invite girls I like to things I plan to do. If they tag along, great, if not, equally great! The way they respond gives me enough information to understand their level of interest in spending time with me. If they tag along, it gives me the opportunity to spend time with them and find out what kind of relationship they want, whether it’s platonic or romantic.
(3) Stop chasing women. They chase me! Haha, well… aren’t I lucky? I’ve carefully designed and engineered this approach for the reason to prevent myself from continuing doing stupid things and running wild chasing women who have absolutely no interest in me. It was never intended to get women to like me, never mind date me!
Up until 30, I used to be the sort of a gentleman who would pay for dates, going to dinner, paying for this and that. Going out on a night out, I was splashing money buying drinks for random girls we were trying to hit on. However, this emptied my bank account very quickly as there were women who preyed on me for free drinks and meals. This wasn’t the tipping point though.
The moment I decided to stop chasing women was after a serious incident when I was emotionally out of control and hated myself for doing something terrible. I’ve never known what jealousy felt like apart from that one time. A friend and I both used to like the same girl. I ended up turning on this friend, asking him to back off, which was uncool and from then it created friction in our friendship. No matter how hard I chased, I could not get her to like me. My attention got derailed from what I should be doing, which was rebuilding my life again. After that serious incident, I made an absolute promise to myself to stop chasing women and focus again on what I want to achieve in this lifetime.
Ever since I stopped chasing women, for many years on I’ve become very fortunate to be surrounded by so many amazing women and so can you!
Step one,
Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… Stop chasing women… STOP CHASING WOMEN…
Okay, have you memorised this approach yet? I hope so!
Do you know why this works? Are you wondering how this works? Am I using reverse psychology? Maybe… maybe not.
With this approach, I’ve saved so much time, so much money, so much energy and I can focus my limited resources on what I want to achieve in this lifetime.
The reason why this approach works is that I am “Attractive”. I made myself attractive. Not just in appearance. I learned how to make women feel comfortable, respected, and safe to be around me.
I worked very hard on a set of characteristics that turned out to be very attractive to women. Here are a few which I felt had made the most impact on my attractiveness (not in any particular order):
Know what I want and desired goals in life, focus and go at it with a plan of action. Started to respect my time. Be honest with my own feelings and be able to express them effectively. Significantly reduced my ego, delusions, and a better sense of reality. Be passionate in everything I chose to do and that energy radiates. Know when to get closer and when to give space. Decisive and not procrastinating.
What other set of characteristics do you find most attractive?
Many of these characteristics were forged by trying new things, studying books, listening to audibles, applying what I’ve learned through trial and error, and setting key principles in my life. I’ve also learned many psychological attraction techniques and bodily skills that allow me to create sensations that are communicated through subtle body language, the gentle gaze through my eyes and facial expressions, and managing the spatial and emotional space between each other.
If you want to know how to work on this, then this book would be a good starting point, ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People - by Dale Carnegie*’.
Instead of wasting time chasing women, I suggest using your time to figure out how to make yourself attractive. Women are everywhere. Every corner of this planet, half the population, you really don’t need to chase them. They are there.
There are many people who think that you need to be physically attractive to find someone. It’s good to focus some time on physical attraction; being healthy, because this is one attraction point. However, if you focus most of your time on improving your physical attraction only, and you find yourself still struggling to get past the first or second date (or getting any dates at all), then it’s most likely you need to work on other personal characteristics. Conclusion Making these three decisions, “(1) Try new things”, “(2) Take ownership”, and “(3) Stop chasing women’’ were my greatest dating & life-changing discoveries, as all I did was focus on working on myself and the stronger the attraction effect it had on women. Unintentionally.
I felt this approach works better the older I get, like vintage wine that ages well. There’s no limit since the attraction isn’t solely dependent on my physical attraction.
Some of you may probably be wondering, isn’t there a quicker way or shortcut to this? There are many methods that I’ve tried but none yielded better results compared with what was mentioned in this blog. Other methods certainly didn’t attract the type of girls I like. Please do go and explore other methods and find out what works for you. Everyone is different and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
I’ve finished sharing with you my journey and secret of how to find and attract women and hope you use it responsibly. Please don’t intentionally hurt anyone, and don’t be a dick. Use with care and respect. That’s part of my principle. And lastly before moving on, please please don’t game women, I’ve tried it before and really hate that shit because I found how destructive to society it can be. There really is no need to target women’s insecurities in order to get their attention and notice you. There are better ways and nice guys can come out on top.
We’re coming to the end of this blog. I’d like to thank you for reading this far and hope you’ve gotten something out of it. If you liked this blog, please S H A R E it with others as it may also help them.
If you are going to try out my method, please tell me how it’s going for you? If you have any questions, I’m more than happy to answer them!
Please leave a comment because I would love to hear from you. If you have experienced a similar or different journey, what has your dating journey taught you? Are there any problems you are still facing? I’d like to write more blogs focussed on some of the problems you’re encountering.
In the next blog, I want to share some of my recommended books and attraction techniques that I’ve learned and experimented with. If this interests you, please subscribe to our newsletter below to get email notifications as soon as it’s published!
Lastly, as promised, below are some links to one of my greatest passions, Brazilian Zouk dance! Check it out and maybe you can try learning how to dance. Links to Brazilian Zouk dance What is Brazilian Zouk? - This video will tell you what this dance is all about! ZoukDanceCamp - Domi&Hoi’s international dance school for Brazilian Zouk in Poland. ChillZouk - Domi&Hoi’s international event for Brazilian Zouk in Poland. ZoukBase - Hoi’s Brazilian Zouk dance school search website and dance blog.
